2011-11-17 - 12:41 p.m.
It's crazy how everything can seem to have changed in your life yet at the same time nothing changes.
It's 8 years ago since I first sat in front of my computer at work and began to pour out my ramblings in an attempt to rationalise my thoughts and validate my self perceived insanity with a view to achieveing some sense of inner peace and calmness that I am still striving for.
The need to write has never left me but tiredness, drudgery, family and a feeling of "what else is there more to say" has somehow turned my head and feeling have been banked elsewhere. I am not sure where exactly but what I do now is that the cracks, the scars, the danger..I have notticed it bubbling away periodically and ignored it, for the sake of my family. But am I more balanced, less crazy, settled, content...? I should be but no, I am not, I think maybe I am incapable of being. I crave above all else to be cherished, to be wanted, to be the centre of somebodies world, the linch pin without which everything else shatters. I don't include my children in this becauses that is unconditional...I don't chose to love them and vice versa...it is unconditional and timeless. But my marriage...and every relationship which has gone before it....it never seems to be enough...nobody needs me as much as I need to be needed. I desperately want to save it but am simultaneously destroying it and I hate myself for it. Maybe I need to come back here and find some perspective.
�
�
